"Clocks slay time... time is dead as long as it is being clicked off by little wheels; only when the clock stops does time come to life." ~William Faulkner

I've been getting terrible sleep for about a week now.  I've been having a lot of nightmares, and don't feel rested when I wake up.  I'm having vivid recollections of what was going on last year in these last days before open heart surgery and it's been sapping my energy.  This morning I woke up at 7:00am after another bad night's sleep and I went down to the montauk room where I recovered from surgery last year and tried to fall back asleep.  I still haven't figured it out, but I'm drawn to anything brings me back to last year.  It's as if my body physiologically and subconsciously remembers what happened last year.  Is it cell memory?  Is it possible that biologically my body remembers the trauma from the surgery last year?  Is it possible from a mental/cognitive standpoint that the change of seasons, the foliage, the temperature drop, and all of the other sensory reminders have caused this?  Maybe going back to the hospital for my echo last week brought some of it on.  Who knows.  

I spent Halloween today carving pumpkins with the kids, trick-or-treating, watching football, and having a great home cooked meal by my mother in law.  Nicole and I also managed to squeeze in our training run for the marathon next Sunday.  Because of the training setback I experienced after I strained my calf at the beginning of the month I'm nervous about how I'm going to feel running the marathon on Sunday.  I felt phenomenal at the Cow Harbor race back in September, but my distance base has suffered since the injury, and now I'm more concerned with finishing than breaking 4 hours.  It should be interesting.

Today was a perfect fall day, and when it was over and quiet Nicole and I sat near the fireplace.  She dozed on my lap and I thought about how fortunate I was to be not only alive, but healthy enough to be training for a marathon.  I thought about all of the family and friends who came over on Halloween last year and showed their support for the challenge we were about to face.  This year the day was low key, and I missed the chaos and seeing everyone.  We're fortunate to have such good people in our lives, and I remember every last gesture and act of kindness even from people who simply asked how things were going during a time when a simple question of concern like that brightened our days.  I've said thank you before and to those who are reading this and are one of those people; thank you again. 

We appreciate the new donations that have been made in the past couple days, but even the questions about the race and words of encouragement mean a lot.  One thing for sure is that working on my book, the blog, and training for the marathon have made this past year of recovery a hell of a lot more exciting than sitting around going with the status-quo.  Those who know me know I wouldn't have it any other way.


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